The Kiss

Episode: 3

Production Code: AM103

First Air Date: September 22, 1997

Writer: David E. Kelley

Director: Dennie Gordon

# of Times Richard said Bygones: 2

Recurring Characters:

Ronald Cheanie
The Dancing Twins

Guest Stars:

Alaina Reed Hall as Judge Elizabeth Witt
Kate Jackson as Barbara Cooker
Nelson Mashita as a Jury Foreman
Richard Riehle as Jack Billings
David Spielberg as TV Station Executive Colkod
Cissy Wellman as a Secretary


The Ally Fashion Patrol kicks into high gear as Elaine and Ally sniff her jeans because Richard says that denim smells, if only David E. Kelley could perfect Odor-vision then we would have had quite a landmark audience participation happenstance.

Doing her best to project that seasoned anchorwoman Jane Pauley integrity, former Charlie’s Angel Kate Jackson plays Barbara Cooker, Georgia and Ally’s wronged client. "I realize you two share similar DNA, but it's Billy," Richard on Ally & Georgia being co-council.

Barbara was fired for being too old, if that wasn’t enough to send those hemlines into action, our petite dishwater blonde is up against Jack Billings, the smarmy defense attorney she sued for harassment. "I'll probably have a little dream about you tonight, you might want to sue me in advance," Jack.

"To call is to pursue & to pursue makes you look too interested," Ally after reading a dating bible. "Whenever I make a fool of myself I feel better if I can blame it on the research," Ally explains to doubting Thomas and perennial ear-lender Renee at the bar as she fretted over her date with Ronald. "This is the problem of playing games, somebody has to lose," Renee on all the dating rules.

Media alert: Ally danced with someone other than the twins!" This unusual activity in her social calendar leads to the already inevitable overreaction when with Vonda singing the Shoop Shoop song to emphasize the all-important first kiss and Ronald rates a zero for pecking Ally on the cheek. Ally feels more excited slurping jello. "Most men would have asked to sleep with me but what he did was rude. He can't be a man & just paw me a little, I am a sexual object, he couldn't give me a little grope."

"There's so many reasons to hate her," A beautifully catty remark as Ally notices what a good lawyer Georgia is, not to mention that sting-worthy marriage. The defense argued that sex sells (must ring some bells for Kate), Barbara declares it ageism. Billings duplicitously wondered out loud how Georgia & Ally got their jobs, one of those great David E. Kelley courageously politically incorrect remarks, where you glance around the room twice to make sure it’s okay to laugh.

Ally called Ronald gay as she opened the door & saw him standing there, they’re not exactly off to a ‘You had me at hello,’ kind of start. "This is your typical mating dance where you always end up mateless," Renee on Ally's dating style.

Ally is royally dumped into the trash bin the following day, kindhearted Billy consoles her with what in her case might qualify for a Dear Diary platitude: "Knowing you is not a deterrent to loving you." "All I ever wanted was to be rich, & to be successful & have 3 kids & a husband waiting up a night to tickle my feet, & now I don't even like my hair," Ally announced in her patented whine.

Back in court, things are coming along classier than ever as the station owner apologized stating that "Unfortunately there wasn't enough buzz on the Internet about seeing her naked." Georgia grabbed Jack's butt, can’t you hear in the distance someone shouting that brilliant missive, “You go girl!”

Ally leaps head first into Ronald’s turf to confront him, no once bitten syndrome for her. She tries to explain her absurd behavior by saying her favorite book is Henderson & The Rain King (like we thought it would be War and Peace?). Ronald being as psychologically adept as Freud, for at least five seconds anyway, realizes that he can’t be with the sort of person who gets off on wanting all the time, then he reconsiders. He’d make a mighty fine case study himself.

From the miscellaneous, yet only possible reason this show qualifies as a sitcom category: "Suddenly everything you think you are can just disappear in a wrinkle," Elaine on aging or otherwise known as channeling a Joan Rivers monologue. "Parenting is nothing if not selfless," a Fishism. "People do read Entertainment Weekly," Ally on stupidity and making the snarly, sarcastic editors a laugh, no doubt. "Everyone's alone it's just easier to take in a relationship," sort of a Fishism.

From the we didn’t need to see that department (remember Roseanne running around in a bra when the Connors won the lottery), Ally pictures a horse pooping during Jack's closing. Ally closed and Barbara won $930,000.

"If you kiss him he may not stay forever but he won't be running off quick," Billy advised Ally. Just for that cathartic you’ve come full circle feeling Vonda again belts out the Shoop Shoop song. "I'm getting so healthy, I can double date with them & my stomach doesn't hurt," Ally on Billy & Georgia. Ally glowed happily ever-after on the dance floor with Ronald, at least until the closing credits.

AM-103 ©1998 Almost Human

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