|Here are some of the memorable quotes used in the show|
- Mark sarcastically: "I keep forgetting what fantasies you both (Nelle & Ling) are."
- Richard: "Where‘s Ally?"
Mark: "Elaine said she called in older."
Richard: "Excuse me?"
Mark: "It‘s her birthday, she’s depressed, she called in older."
Richard: "Does that mean she‘s not coming in?"
Nelle: "I thought we were having a party for her. Well how can we not celebrate she‘s a member of our family here."
Richard: "You know you’re entirely too happy Nelle. I want to meet this computer date."
- Mark: "Nice flowers Ally, Larry?"
Larry: "Did I hear my name?"
Mark: "Yeah, yeah you‘re making me look bad could you cut it out."
Elaine: "He means these beautiful flowers that you sent Ally. Right Ally? That’s what he means. And please don’t you deny it."
- Mark: "Who‘s the other man?"
Elaine: "It‘s just an acquaintance. I‘m not having an affair but I did sleep with him."
- Elaine: "I suppose I’m a little nervous about putting all my eggs in such a leaky basket."
Mark: "So you fertilize them in someone else’s basket?"
- Ally: "What do you mean you’re going to Los Angeles"
Richard: "Just a two day R&R"
Nelle: "Los Angeles?"
Richard: "We‘re looking to broaden ourselves culturally a little. I‘m I right John"
John: "In deed."
Richard: "Ally, while we’re gone your senior partner pro-tem"
Mark, Ling, Nelle & Ally: "What?"
- Elaine: "Is she a bigger slut than me?"
- Richard: "Okay, first up, where's John?"
Mark: "He's sitting in on Melanie's class again..."
Ling: "He's in love with her. He follows her around like a puppy dog. It's gross."
- Mark to Elaine who was preparing to dance: "I hope you're channeling some rhythm my way."
- Richard: "I've been meaning to ask how's Elaine in bed? It's just, you know, I've always wanted to I've just been afraid of catching something."
Mark: "Richard, you're talking about the woman I'm seeing."
Richard: "I know. That's why I'm asking."
- Richard: "Nothing happened?"
Ling: Is there something wrong with your little thingy?"
Mark: "No. We both just seemed nervous."
Richard: "About what?"
Mark: "Well, truth be told, all this talk of her... Experience."
Richard: "Oh, say no more. You're worried about how you'll stack up against the 1, 000 or so men she's been with."
Richard: "You need a sex song."
Mark: "A sex song?"
Richard: "Yeah, john uses Barry White, I use Tom Jones. Does it help me, Lingo?"
- Nelle: "If you really, really want to turn a woman on...Do you?"
Nelle: "Respect her."
Richard: "Where's the fun in that?"
Nelle: "Well, if she thinks you respect her-- if you really, really respect her-- she'll do whatever you want."
Nelle: "Men think it's money, it's flowers it's sweet talk. It's none of those things. It's respect."
- Richard: "I took the big V."
Richard: "Respect only gets you so far, Mark. True love... Chemicals."
Mark: "Does everybody take Viagra now?"
Richard: "Pretty much. Hey, your last girlfriend did. That's how you found out the truth."
- Mark on Richard & Ling's lip synching: "Is he kidding?"
- Elaine: "I'm not sure."
- Ally: "They've got to be kidding."
- Renee: "I don't know."
- Richard: "It says here you repeatedly offered to have sex with him."
Elaine: "It was a joke. He knew I was joking. We're friends. This doesn't make sense."
Mark: "It says here also that you made him eat...your underwear?"
Elaine: "I never made him. I would just demonstrate my inventions for him. I invented some edible cherry-flavored underwear and I offered it to him once as a light snack."
- Mark on Elaine: "I enjoy promiscuity less when it's coming from the girl I'm dating."
- Elaine: "I've sent signals to you before. You never picked up on them."
Mark: "Like when you'd dry hump me?"
Elaine: That would be one of them."
- Mark: "I thought you were great, Elaine."
Elaine: "Thank you. I appreciate that."
Mark: "Did you get any dates out of it?"
Elaine: "It wasn't about getting a date."
Mark: "My question is, did you get one?"
Elaine: "No, I didn't, okay?"
Mark: "Would you like one?"
Elaine: "A date?"
Elaine: "With you?"
You're asking me out?
Mark: "Great. Oh, I know this is a stupid question but I'm going to ask anyway."
Elaine: "I don't have a penis."
Mark: "Excellent. 8:00?"
Elaine: "That'd be great."
- Mark: "Have you picked your song?"
Elaine: "No. I'm looking for the perfect one. Something that speaks to me. Something pretty. Something that coincides with my current self."
Mark "Elaine...I love music-- don't get me wrong-- but is this the way to address loneliness climbing into the spotlight for attention?"
Elaine: "Well, that's what I look for in a man: Attention."
Mark: "It just seems a little desperate to me."
Elaine: "Oh, this from a man who dates women with schillings. I'm sorry, that was rude. Mark? I haven't had a real boyfriend in seven years. I am desperate."
- "The best kiss I ever got...it was ninth grade, my teacher."- Mark
- Mark I have a thing for beautiful, complicated women."
Cindy: What makes you think I'm complicated?"
Mark: "A hunch."
- Mark: "Eligible men?"
Ally: "Yeah. Where do they go to meet women?"
Mark: "Well, the Neanderthals, they just want to meet models. As for the educated professionals, they just want to meet models."
Ally: "All men want to meet models?"
Mark: "It's the image. They're tall, sophisticated, beautiful. They don't speak."
- "You’re about to get John off"- Mark to Lorna Flood telling her to dress more appropriately for court
- "Don’t hump me"- Mark to Elaine before heading out on the dance floor
- "In the world I bet"- Mark after Ally said she was the only Ally at the firm