|Here are some of the memorable quotes used in the show|
- The Doctor on Maddie: "She‘s had some sort of panic attack or...."
Ally: "Or what?"
The Doctor: "Or she‘s pregnant. Did you hear me? Hello!"
- Helen on Maddie: "There‘s something so angelic about her."
Ally: "Um, don’t be fooled."
- Helena to Claire: "Is there a parade in town, they seem to be missing a float."
- Charlie: "Love without sex is an empty experience, senior Fishism."
- Ellen: "When you said dumb stick on the stand today... your father has always been ruled by that part of his anatomy... you were named after it."
Richard: "Excellent, glad to know that."
- Charlie: "Ellen, everything I‘ve learned about expressing feelings I‘ve learned for Richard. Bygones."
- Ally: "Liza this is a staff meeting, not a forum to discuss our personal lives or problems."
Wilson: "Actually we’re only discussing yours."
- Sheila: "You client has a problem counsel. Ask him about his little fetish."
Ally: "Victor! What fetish?"
Sheila: "Let‘s just say your client is a butt man."
Victor: "This isn‘t relevant."
Ally: "I‘m the one asking the questions here. A butt man?"
Sheila: "He paints them, he studies them and during sex he likes to nibble them."
- Sheila: "One of the reasons why he broke up with me was because my buttock were to conventionally beautiful. He likes his woman‘s asses to be slightly a symmetrical."
- Sheila: "Tell her how you like cellulite."
Sheila: "He thinks cellulite gives a butt character."
- Wilson: "The slutty secretary told me there was an office upstairs, all grab it and we can talk about an upgrade later"
- Claire: "Hello, I‘m Claire Otoms and you‘re well, you‘re lovely."
Wilson: "Thank you."
Claire: "You would be a little bachelorette treat to help celebrate my upcoming nuptials would you?"
Wilson: "I‘m a new attorney here, Wilson Jay starting today."
Claire: "Wonderful. If I were ten years younger I‘d invite you home for a nightcap. You‘re wonderful."
- Claire: "Hi Nelle, Christmas has come early this year... this is Wilson."
Nelle: "Yes, we‘ve met. Hi"
Wilson: "Hello, is it Morgan."
Nelle: "It‘s Nelle"
Wilson: "Am I in the girl’s room?"
Claire: "It‘s unisex, here a Cage, Fish & McBeal we... we don‘t distinguish between the sexes."
- Nicole: "Do you live inside the walls?"
John: "No this is my hole."
- Liza while squeezing John‘s cheeks: "Isn‘t he like a cute little stuffy and such a good lawyer, yes you are, yes you are."
Nicole: "I could be wrong but I think he enjoys being pinched like that."
Liza: "I always forget to release, he‘s just so cute."
- Connie: "Just because you’re married to a person doesn’t mean you can just squeeze their breasts when ever you feel like it. Love, honor and obey doesn‘t mean grope you pig."
Barry: "Let‘s see what kind of grope you get on the open market."
- Nelle: "Have you considered the merits Wilson?"
Wilson: "Nelle look at me, do I strike you as a person who concerns himself with merits?"
- Nelle: "I‘m not comfortable with that."
Wilson: "Nelle, I‘m only asking that you pretend to be nice."
- Nelle: "Claire?"
Claire: "Oh Nelle, hello."
Nelle: "What are you doing?"
Claire: "I‘m going to the little girl‘s room."
Nelle: "Any reason you couldn‘t use the door?"
Wilson: "I think she was looking for me."
- Wilson: "I must say so many women lawyers today have that discussing heart of gold beneath that slick exterior but you, your so refreshing."
Nelle: "I appreciate that."
Wilson: "Until we scheme again."
- Nicole: "What happen?"
John: "No jail time, that‘s great, that is fantastic."
Liza: "The judge must have a mistress."
- Jerome upon first meeting Ally: "Claire speaks so highly of you."
Ally: "Oh, Thank you."
Jerome: "How‘d the sex go with Victor."
Claire: "Jerome your manners. It hasn‘t happened yet."
- Todd: "Al, I sorry I shouldn’t have said what I said. When I have an opinion I tend to reveal them."
- Todd: "It‘s a third date, third dates aren‘t complicated, you just decided whether you want to sleep with him or not."
Ally: "Right, right which brings me right back to get out."
Todd: "You get out."
Ally: "This is my office."
Todd: "Yeah but you‘re the girl and after the fight the girl always runs out. Yet another opinion best not revealed."
- Todd: "My therapist says that the inner me is.. how should I put this..."
Ally: "A dick?"
Todd: "Actually yes."
- Todd to Ally: "Experience tells me that it‘s a certain kind of woman who can expose me for my dickid self."
- Todd to Ally: "You‘re going to have to learn to ignore whatever I say last."
- Witness: "When a man is tough they call him a leader, with a woman she‘s a bitch"
- Judge Walsh: "Why are you even here?"
Claire: "There was a rumor you might smile today. I guess not."
- Claire: "I would hate to see such an important case affected by the... elephant in the room."
Judge Walsh: "What elephant in the room?"
Claire: "On your Honor, neither of us can deny that there is a certain sexual energy between us."
- Student: "Looks like Goldilocks."
Ally: "Excuse me that chunky little boy right there just insulted my daughter I heard it."
Teacher: "Miss Mcbeal..."
Ally: "No I apologize but I am very concerned about her meeting new friends, she’s in a new school, that fat kid seems nasty and you‘ve got books picking on orphans and, prejudice comes in smooth reads by the way because bigots cannot spell."
- Mr. Cobb: "Two of our people were on the first plane Miss Lipp, we‘ve had to deal with loss, that last thing we need is..."
Corretta: "So you’re protecting the other members of your firm from having to deal with more loss."
Mr. Cobb: "You say it like it‘s nothing. Trust me it‘s not nothing."
- Bonnie: "I am talking!"
Maddie: "So am I."
- Ally: "Why is the spot light on me?"
Nelle: "Oh I‘m sure there‘s a good reason."
Bonnie (singing): "How will you make it on your own..."
Ally: "Oh God."
- Ms. Pumple to Elaine: "Specially what do you look for in a man?"
John: "A pulse & penis, not necessarily in that order."
- Harriet Pumple to John: "If you apply the ‘L’ into my name one more time, I‘ll drop you like a stone."
- Ally: "Isn’t it fabulous?."
Dr. Milter: "Oh it is, it’s you Alison. It’s beautiful, but neglected and sad but..."
Ally: "Don‘t start psychoanalyzing, just look at it for what it is. "
Dr. Milter: "Alright it‘s a dump."
- Frances: "Who you like to know how nasty I can be?"
Frances: "Ask my fiancée"
Richard: "Hall of fame bugger."
- Kimmy: "I can‘t even begin to tell you my predicament so I put in in a note."
- Kimmy: "I‘m looking for a kind man with fertile seeds to be my love mate."
- Kimmy on the dating service: "Their slogan was guaranteed success every time and then after me they changed it to every time but once."
- Ally: "I have a friend, she has a mother. My friend‘s mother is getting married. My friend‘s mother‘s fiance made a play on me. Now do I tell her?"
Ally: "Forget it."
- Miss Pumpel: "She wasn‘t warm, every man I set her up with came back with the same two words... never again."
- Ally: "I know how guys right before they get married they want to dip that quill in a little ink one last and um... you know I guess that.... well you know I would sort of be interested in being that ink well, now if you were interested?"
Tim: "I‘m not"
- Milter: "Alison give me your hand. There are many wonderful, loving good, handsome men who are married. Now if you swear off adultery how can you possiblly link up with them."
- John: "This isn‘t just a simple parade, this is about Christmas"
Judge Walsh: "Christmas?"
John: "Yes it‘s an obscure little holiday perhaps you‘ve heard of it?"
Judge Walsh: "Have you heard of contempt"
John: "I have but if you were to actually hold me in it how would I know you grumpy lump."
- Ally: "You‘re the expert but I believe the lord gave man free will."
Harrison Wyatt: "Which given the times would seem to be a flagrant abuse of discretion would it not?"
- Milter to Ally: "You asked him out the GQ cutie child, the Abacrombie & Fitchie boy?"
- Ally: "I‘m afraid he‘s going to think I‘m one of those..."
Milter: "Penis taunters?"
- Raymond: "Call me oink but I still think he loves her, I don‘t think either one of us is getting any tonight."
- Elaine: "Did you hear, Glenn & Jenny just got back together."
Ally: "They did?"
Elaine: "Aren‘t you just devasted."
Ally: "I‘m not as crushed as you are I see."
Elaine: "Awe, Ally I just want you to know I am here for you."
Ally: "Awe yes and what am I going to do about that."
- Raymond: "Ally did you hear?"
Ally: "Awe yes, Elaine broke it to me ever so gently."
Raymond: "So I guess you and I should go out huh, say the word."
- Milter: "When you‘re home and the phone rings what‘s the very first thought that goes through your head?"
Milter: "So much for John Cage."
- Frances: "I heard you had this amazing little dwarf here called the croissant."
Ally: "The biscuit and he‘s full size."
- Mr. Roar to Ally: "No but your in your 40‘s"
- Ally: "You know since the world changed in September, that I read this article that everybody's having sex. First dates boom, friends calling other friends boom. There’s this whole new attitude and it’s why live for tomorrow why not now. I mean you know what I‘m saying?"
Milter: "You want some boom-boom."
- Richard: "If you change your mind I’m the first in line. Feel free..."
Richard: "Take a chance on me, if you need me..."
Frances: "You’re reciting lyrics from an Abba song."
- Richard: "I cry because you love has past me by."
Frances: "The Guess Who. I’m late for court Richard."
Richard: "Women with wattle, they know all the old songs. Bugger"
- Julie on Raymond: "Once during a deposition he asked me to tame his meat weasel."
- Julie: "There is a line Miss Shaw."
Jenny: "And you proclaim to know where this line is?"
Julie: "No, but when one lawyer tells the other that he polished the pink helmet with me in mind, that... that I think that crosses it."
- Milter: "It‘s Friday night"
Milter: "I have a life also plans."
- Milter: "Christmas is nothing compared with Christmas Eve."
- Milter: "Allison give me your tapered hand."
- Milter: "You say you don‘t want Glenn in a carnal way but part of you wants that little gum drop stuck in your teeth. The truth screams to me Allison."
- Baliff: "Swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
Claire: "Do I strike you as a person capable the whole truth?"
- Ally: "I ran into myself."
Milter: "You ran into your...self?"
Ally: "Yes, now I didn‘t know it at the time, but... but she had that lost look, didn‘t know whether she was coming or going, up or down. Remind you of anybody?"
- Ally: "I long to be a mentor."
Milter: "Dear god no!"
- Ally: "What do they call those people who relive their lives over and over again?"
Milter: "The clinical word? Pathetic."
- Ally: "Somebody‘s after me I'm not sure who it is. It could be Jenny."
- Milter: "It was an older woman who came to me and first made me a man."
- Milter: "Allison give me your hand. I know about life, when you do find the perfect mate you‘ll love him and you‘ll commit the rest of the waking days trying to change him. Then finally, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years hence you’ll succeed and you’ll look across the table at him after having rehabilitated every one of his habits, all his idiosyncrasies and you’ll bemoan you’re not the man I married."
Ally: "Could you hone in on a point?"
Milter: "The younger men are trainable. If you find him attractive, if he’s smart, take him home, take him shopping, take him into your bosom. It‘s not the man that makes the man Allison it‘s the woman."
- Milter: "Ally give me your hand please. Would you like to be able to stop thinking about Glenn?"
Milter: "Alright. What I’m about to tell you next is highly confidential. When the attraction is sexual and only sexual that best way to extinguish it is to go to your... self with him in mind."
Ally: "I beg your pardon."
Milter: "It puts out the urge."
Ally: "Are you suggesting what I think your suggesting?"
Milter: "Libido is a thirst Allison, it‘s best to quench it. If you can do so with out him actually in the room, much neater."
- Milter: "Ally give me your hand please. Ally do you have aging issues?"
Ally: "Why would I have those issues about that?"
- Jeannie McBeal to young Ally with a broken doll: "I don’t think they make the men as strong as the woman. Now forget about him will get you another one honey, okay?"
- Dancing baby singing to Ally: "Never, never, never ever gonna get married."
- Corretta: "Ally... he went back to Detroit."
Ally: "Oh... to live?"
Corretta: "Yeah, not with her but ah, to be near his son I guess."
Ally: "Oh, so he‘s gone."
- Ally: "Look we didn’t deserve to win because the harm isn’t irreparable. It may seem that way now but there will be other loves. Now I loved this boy my whole life and I thought that we were put specifically on this earth for each other but he went away, got married, came back, died, life went on and then this year I met this other boy and he was so umm..... well you‘ve met him Larry Paul."
Reverend Harris: "Oh he‘s dandy."
Ally: "Yeah. Thank you. Well I’ve you know, well he went away and ah, well I still love him in such a way that it‘s impossible for me to believe that anybody else could ever make me so happy but you know what Malcolm, you know what?"
Reverend Harris: "What? Oh sorry."
Ally: "Experience tells me that I will love again and I will be loved again. Now maybe not tomorrow and maybe not this year but I will be loved again and do you know what? Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you Malcolm?"
Malcolm: "I think. You still believe in love."
Ally: "Exactly, you have to. You just ah... have to."
- Drill Sergeant: "Can we live without a man?"
Ally: "No sir!"
Drill Sergeant: "What?"
Ally: "No! I mean yes!"
Drill Sergeant: "Yes what?"
Ally: "Yes sir!"
Drill Sergeant: "What do I want to hear?"
Ally & her troop: "Men suck sir!"
Drill Sergeant: "I can’t here you!"
Ally & her troop: "Men suck sir!"
Drill Sergeant: "Say it again!"
Ally & her troop: "MEN SUCK SIR!"
- Richard: "Jane."
Richard: "How‘s it going so far?"
Jane: "Okay I think, you know my L.A. blood, this place is a little cold."
Jane: "No this firm. I‘m kind of surprised."
Richard: "Oh is cold necessarily a bad thing? Cold cash, cold truth... these are good things right?"
Jane: "It‘s just you and John are so kind, I figured your firm would be more kind."
- Dress store clerk: "Are you chaperoning or..."
Ally: "No, I‘m going as somebody‘s date."
Dress store clerk: "To a prom?"
Ally: "Um huh."
Dress store clerk: "Aren‘t you a little vintage?"
Ally: "Could you just help me with the dress?"
Dress store clerk: "I have a lovely chiffon gown in stock which I thing would go lovely with your botox."
- Ally: "So mom says you want to kill him."
George McBeal: "Oh no only a little."
- George on Larry: "He got up and just walked away that‘s hardly noble."
- Wendy: "Can I ask you a question are you his mother?"
Ally: "I‘m his mistress."
- Dr. Harold in Ally‘s dream: "This heart‘s been broken, this heart‘s been destroyed we can‘t fix that."
- Corretta: "You don‘t find omens in minimum wage employees."
- Corretta: "Just propose again to night and do it the old fashion way. I think the desert thing was a little corny myself."
Larry: "I was your idea."
Corretta: "Cause you’re a corny couple. Really, Ally & Larry that‘s kind of the way couples like you do it. That or something like sky diving."
Larry: "Well yeah, my shoots in the cleaners other wise... "
Corretta: "Just ask her straight out. Look her in the eyes and say ‘Let’s do this for the rest of our lives.’ hmmm? You can‘t be more romantic than that and she doesn‘t have to waste an hour getting blueberry goo off the diamond."
- Richard: "First may I say you have nothing to be ashamed of here."
Richard: "They are artful they don‘t show George W. "
Jane: "George W.?"
Richard: "The uh.... never mind."
- Richard: "Richard Fish you are?"
Jane: "My roommate."
Richard: "Oh the roommate you also did naked photographs."
Richard: "Did they ever show up in a magazine?"
Richard: "Really? I mean that’s uh... excellent"
- Nicole: "He‘s (Richard) funny but he‘s old."
Jane: "Shut up."
- Corretta: "It‘s a good sign when a woman dumps ice cream on you. It means she loves you. I told you not to have lunch with your ex-wife. Be grateful you weren‘t have soup when Ally saw you and whip cream on the nose, what‘s up with that? It sounds like you deserved it fudge head."
- Henson Lyne: "Contracts a contract Mr. Fish."
Richard: "Except when it‘s not, Fishism."
- Corretta: "You know Larry you sounding a little like a loser."
Larry: "Well you would be wrong on relationships I‘m a two time loser. Strike three."
- Richard: "If I win I might get sex. Is that right Jane or am I over stating it."
Jane: "You might."
- Jane: "You really are so sweet."
Jane: "I wish I could pay you."
Richard: "Oh are you kidding, seeing you in those naked pictures that was enough."
- Helena: "Last night you were ready to propose marriage now you to are suddenly not right for each other?"
Larry: "That‘s right."
Helena: "You have to recognize how..."
Larry: "I really don‘t need you charging in with you two cents no so..."
Helena: "Well, perhaps then you shouldn‘t have called for my two cents."
Larry: "Thanks. Thanks for the.."
Helena: "You go from marriage to busting up, that‘s A to B?"
Helena: "Doesn‘t that strike you as a little crazy."
Larry: "Yes it‘s crazy it‘s, it’s insane. The idea of me proposing was insane and it‘s in these acts of insanity Helena, that you get your most vivid hits of clarity."
- Jeannie McBeal: "When everything’s that fine a mother worries."
Jeannie McBeal: "What‘s wrong honey."
- Jane: "Richard!"
Richard: "Excellent, my winning streak extended to one."
Jane: "How can I ever thank you."
Richard: "Uh sex?"
Jane: "You know Richard you know better of an actor than me you didn‘t flight out here and do all this for sex. You did it because your kind and your sweet."
Richard: "So sex is out?"
Jane: "Tonight were going to hustle and then go from there."
Richard: "Yeah, I‘m on the 2 o’clock flight."
Jane: "But you just got here yesterday."
Richard: "That‘s me in & out just like sex"
Jane: "You can‘t just leave. You did that last time."
Richard: "Jane last time it was wise and this time it‘s necessary."
- Waiter: "Have you decided?"
Jeannie McBeal: "Oh we‘re not eating, thank you."
Waiter: "Can I get you something to drink?"
Jeannie McBeal: "Were not drinking either. We‘re here for the ambiance. Could you beat it please."
- Jeannie: "You think wanting a family makes you a lesser person? You know not that you’ve ever made a habit of excepting any wisdom from me Ally but family is everything Ally. It’s where the strong live and it’s where they love."
Ally: "I‘m not sure that I can live without him."
Jeannie McBeal: "You’re the toughest person I’ve ever met and I hope things work out with Larry because I really do like him even if .... does but if they don‘t move on. That I know."
- Sydney: "Do you like it when I call you Ritchie?"
Sydney: "Your mother called you Ritchie I bet."
Richard: "Oh she did actually."
Sydney: "Do you like it when women talk mommy talk to you?"
Sydney: "Do you like it when I do it?"
- Jackson: "Buttons?"
Mark Newman: "Yeah that‘s my new girlfriend."
Jackson: "Her name is buttons?"
- Sydney: "The first thing I say to every prospective employee at every interview ‘Do even consider coming to work here unless you are prepared to desire me because you will.’"
- Mrs. Parks: "Oh shut up pretty boy. Nobody likes a pretty boy."
Jackson: "No one here is attempting to be pretty."
Mrs. Parks: "What‘s that an ugly joke? She‘s making fat jokes, your make ugly jokes. Is he calling you ugly?"
Lisa: "He meant her."
Buttons: "That‘s funny you tank."
- Jackson: "Are you a real lawyer?"
Mrs. Parks: "What‘s that a dumb joke. Fat, dumb & ugly now."
Jackson: "That‘s not a joke it‘s a serious question. Are you a lawyer?"
Mrs. Parks: "No, I‘m her emotional representative."
Jackson: "Her emotional representative?"
Mrs. Parks: "Look you can’t stop her from singing the songs pretty boy she‘s the musical director."
- Lisa: "Is this legal, you to talk to me alone without counsel?"
Nelle: "Lisa, Mrs. Parks isn‘t a lawyer she‘s a buster."
Lisa: "She‘s still my representation."
- Mrs. Parks: "You talked to her ex-party. You can talk to a person ex-party."
Nelle: "The word is ex-parti, it’s Latin. Party is something you do with a balloon."
Mrs. Parks: "Oh, that‘s a fat dumb joke combine."
- Ally‘s Alarm Clock: "Hello it’s time to wake up. It’s your birthday. Do not stir angel you don’t want to waste a single minute. Tick tick, don’t you ever want to have a baby? Your ovaries are shrinking as we speak. Come on honey your face is already on borrowed time, get up before your eggs fry up."
- Corretta: "We‘re going to interview here?"
Corretta: "In the waiting room?"
Larry: "No it‘s not the waiting room."
Corretta: "It‘s where I was waiting."
Larry: "I just wanna be myself."
Corretta: "What about in there?"
Larry: "That’s the conference room."
Corretta: "Where‘s your office?"
Larry: "This is it."
Corretta: "The waiting room?"
Larry: "No it‘s not."
Coretta: "Where would my office be?"
Larry: "Well if you could..."
Corretta: "The headhunter said young, well respected litigator looking for an associate."
Corretta: "How do I hit the ground running without the proper facilites. Where’s the computer? Where’s the assistant? Where’s the library and where are the clients? I would see clients if there were any waiting wouldn’t I because I‘m standing in the waiting room. I don‘t think I can be a lawyer here."
Larry: "That‘s too bad cause in my mind I had already hired you and you..."
Corretta: "You did?"
Larry: "Cause I...I like you."
Corretta: "No your messing with me."
Sting: "Excuse me I‘m looking for Mr. Larry Paul."
Corretta: "You‘re Sting?"
Larry: "I‘m Larry Paul"
Corretta: "What is this to impress me cause I‘m not. I‘m impressed with you (Sting) just not with him. Will be with you in a minute do you mind waiting. Your in the right room."
- Corretta to Sting: "Last name?"
- Judge Walsh: "Hold on you allegeing Mr. Sting tried to break-up their marriage?"
- Sting: "I did not persue your wife."
Melissa: "Don‘t lie Stinger."
- Melissa: "To know that Sting wanted me even if it were only for a fleeting second... that‘s... that‘s something."
- Mathers: "Isn‘t it true Mr.Sting that part of performance is designed to sexual engage the female demographic?"
Sting: "Not exactly no, occasionally men have been turned-on."
- Jackson: "Hey Mark, Ling."
Ling: "Oh drop dead. If you have anything to say have your assistant call mine. I don‘t even see you in slow motion anymore you lying little weasel."
- Jackson: "Last week I told you that I was in love with you."
Ling: "Yippee, anybody can share a stupid feeling there’s an unlimited supply. You only get 5 lunches a week. And don‘t stare at me like I‘m crazy, you the one turning all this down."
- Jackson: "Is there a problem Larry?"
Larry: "No I just like to pull torso flexes at night Jackson."
Jackson: "Oh do you?"
Larry: "Yes I do."
Jackson: "Are you making fun of me Larry?"
Larry: "No, the truth is I’ve been trying to work on my posture and I’m admiring yours. If I could just learn to walk like that."
- Ally: "Objection assuming facts not in evidents, argumentative, leading."
Larry: "Oh, Could you pick one?"
Ally: "I pick all three. It‘s a multi-objectionable question."
Judge Walsh: "Overruled, overruled and over ruled. Sit down Ms. McBeal."
- Jackson to Ling: "I‘m in love with you. I broke off my engagement because of you. I came to work here in part because of you and I tried to respect the fact that you don‘t want to go there but after hearing our client today and how one person and how another might not happen. It hit me and I can‘t, it‘s you and I can’t not be out with that."
- Jackson: "What the hell was that?"
Ally: "I was just trying to make sure everything was on the up and up. Isn‘t that the way you like to do things... Jackson."
- Larry: "Basically this pre-nup says she gets nothing if the marriage ends within five years."
Jackson: "Look if she loves him as much as she claims to Larry, then it’s really a non-issue."
Larry: "Yeah, unless he turns out not to love her Jackson. Which is..."
Jackson: "Look, I‘m just trying to protect a nice man, should anything...."
Larry: "You’re asking Julie to give up what‘s legally hers in consideration for what? I mean, I miss how she benefits from this lovely document."
Jackson: "Larry, love that name. Man to man, we both know what the law provides. We also know how young beautiful woman can capitalize on it especially at the expense of fat, rich, bald guys."
Larry: "I won‘t let her sign it."
Jackson: "Does she have a problem with it Larry?"
Larry: "She will when her lawyer tells her to."
Jackson: "Larry, would you like me to tell him that she only wants him for his money?"
Larry: "Ah, tell him you presume that since he‘s fat, rich and bald."
Jackson: "I like your style."
Larry: "I hate yours"
- Jackson: "Ally. Larry."
Ally: "Okay what am I missing?"
Larry: "Jackson‘s upset I didn‘t commit malpractice and advise Julie to sign a ludicrous pre-nup"
Jackson: "What‘s ludicrous is that your client even cares. Marriage should be about love. Now a pre-nup that‘s about money."
Larry: "Who‘s idea was the pre-nup Jackson?"
Ally: "Okay, okay. You know Jackson you were a little dicey just trying to slide into the"
Jackson: "Excuse me, dicey?"
Ally: "Well representing a...."
Jackson: "You know what? I‘m not even in the mood for your issues"
Ally: "My issues what are my issues?"
Jackson: "Look lady."
Jackson: "First you’re kissing me."
Ally: "I thought you were him."
Jackson: "Then you climb into bed."
Ally: "I thought you were her."
Jackson: "And your hands were all up on my privates."
Ally: "Well because I thought it was the remote control."
Larry: "Hold on."
Jackson: "Felt like the remote did it?"
Ally: "Yes it did feel like the remote control, hard, plastic."
Renee: "Excuse me?"
Jackson: "Oh please don‘t flatter yourself."
Larry: "Excuse me too. You hand your hand on his"
Renee: "Hard plastic?"
Jackson: "Men have it when they’re sleeping"
Jackson: "No erections and it had nothing to do with her thin little hand."
Ally: "Oh, well isn‘t that the remote calling the wrist skinny."
- Passenger: "...Nervous flyer."
Richard: "I can tell you the rest of us are at ease with you blocking the exit windows."
- Richard: "I‘m a little concerned truth be told, hot sun here, I put the lotion on but I could reach the middle of my back."
Jane: "And your friend couldn‘t help you with that?"
Richard: "Well I asked but he‘s a little homophobic... to each his own."
- Jane: "You‘re kind of fun."
Richard: "Of course I am."
Jane: "Are you rich?"
Richard: "I‘m loaded and all my money is yours, just make me happy."
- John: "I‘d be happy to take a whack at you....poca... poca... take a whack at it."
Cassandra: "Are you a good lover...poca...poca...lawyer? Forgive me my sense of humors a little naughty. Are you a good lawyer?"
John: "I’m very good."
Cassandra: "Well then I‘d love for you to take a whack at... it."
- Jane: "I thought you were funny."
Richard: "Funny amusing? Funny you laugh at me? Funny strange?"
Jane: "All of the above."
- Cassandra: "Your lips are blue John."
John: "Well, I mean the water was cold, you think they‘d heat their pool."
Cassandra: "But they‘re really blue."
John: "When I chill it‘s usually to the bone."
- Jane: "It‘s a little scary being jobless at the moment but I‘ll make it happen. Fishism."
- Therapist on Ally & Larry: "I see a cavity end the relationship with this man. It‘s a dead end, do it today."
- Jackson to Ally after she kissed him: "You‘ve got issues."
- Dr. Madison on Ally living happily ever after with Larry: "Deep down you know it will never happen."
- Jackson: "Is she any good?"
Richard: "Are you kidding? Pretty, smart... you like big knockers?"
Jackson: "I meant as a lawyer."
- Judge Brattle: "Could I step out of my robe for a moment"
Ling: "I‘d vomit"
- Judge Brattle: "Plenty of boys go for the big girls."
- Jackson: "Isn‘t it written in some Minister‘s handbook, thou shall not lick the bride‘s left nipple?"
- Ling: "Did you come to work here because of me?"
Jackson: "I don’t remember."
- Richard: "Can I bring in a second chair? I'm not always up on the law it's so boring."
Cindy: "Are you current on you homophobia?"
Richard: "Hey, Scouts honor... well"
- Larry: "How'd you even get here?"
Larry: "Airplane... airplane...airplane?"
Sam: "It's the steel thing with wings, it flies."
- Sam to Ally: "What are you fifty?"
- Sam to Ally: "My dad's a circus act don't you know that?"
- Judge Albert Hall: "It is a very sad day in my life, in this court, when I find myself agreeing with Mr. Fish"
- Richard: "Do I get to kiss the bride?"
Cindy: "Would you like to?"
Richard: "No tongue."
Cindy: "No chance"
- Jerry to Ally: "Richard said you're a good attorney with an excellent grasp of the superficial."
- Melanie: "Oh, you don't smell good. Last shower?"
Mr. Bo: "Christmas."
- Sam: "Your hands are very cold."
Ling: "But getting hotter."
Sam: "It would be my pleasure to be your partner."
Nelle: "Maybe one lesson."
- Mr. Bo: "People don't always treat her right. I need to check up."
John: "Ah. You were smart to hang out in the bathroom then. What were you look for? A stool sample?"
Mr. Bo: "Do you love her?"
John: "I, I think I might. Yes."
Mr. Bo: "Then I must wrestle you."
John: "Mr. Bo, I'm a grown man. And what I'd like to do, instead of wrestling you I think maybe I'd like to get you some help."
Mr. Bo: "You're chicken."
John: "I'm not chicken. I just..."
Mr. Bo: "Why don't you just admit it? You little squirt."
- Mr. Bo: "You're a little wiry, but you can date her."
John: "Oh, that's how you judge somebody-- by how well he wrestles?"
Mr. Bo: "There are worse ways to measure a man."
John: "Mr. Bo, I am going to say something to you my father once said to me. You are a total kookball."
Mr. Bo: "Is that even a real word?"
John: "If it was good enough for my father it's good enough for you."
Mr. Bo: "Hey...You got supper plans? I got a piece of salmon for the hibachi."
John: "Homeless people eat salmon now?"
- Melanie: "Uh, well, maybe we should all go grab something to eat."
Mr. Bo: "No, the toad and I already ate."
Melanie: "Could you do me a favor and not call him 'the toad?'"
Mr. Bo: "Oh, but it so fits."
John: "You're such a kookball."
Mr. Bo: "At least "toad" is a real word."
Melanie: "All right, okay, no 'kookball', no 'toad'. You got it?"
- Lisa: "How did you two end, Exactly? Neither one of you has ever really told me."
Ling: "Sweetie, I dumped him."
Lisa: "And did it break his heart?"
Ling: "Well... I do that sort of thing."
- Mrs. Stiles: "Why should I be biased?"
John: "You're the school director. My client has a history of backing up over them."
- Larry: "You and I could never work. You understand, Jamie..."
Jamie: "How do you know?"
Larry: "Because you're not...Her."
- Larry: "Hey, Ally, it's nothing. I promise, just cheap sex. Right, Brandy?
Brandy: "I'm a thrill ride."
- Brandy: "I still don't understand why I have to come in person to file divorce papers."
Larry: "Oh, they changed the rules. You know, the clerks they want to look you in the eyes now."
- Nelle: "John... my father"
- Mr. Porter: "Pleasure John"
- John: "Mr. Claus?"
- Mr. Porter: "Please call me Kris"
- Jamie: "He loves you."
- Larry: "Jamie!"
- Jamie: "You haven't told her."
- Larry: "Oh gee I was going to let you break it."
- Jamie: "Sorry."
- Jamie: "Remember when we did Godspell. We did Godspell in college."
- Ally: "Ah, huh"
- Jamie: "He was Jesus (Larry), which I'd call him again at home after the second coming"
- Elaine: "I love her"
- Jamie: "There's something different about this Ally McBeal isn't there"
- Nelle: "Daddy how about I walk you home?"
- Mr. Porter: "To Welsley?"
- Nelle: No to my place. You haven't really seen my apartment have you"
- Mr. Porter: "You don't have a chimney."
- Peanut on Elaine's Vi-bra: "I can't even look at another woman's breasts without experiencing...Vertigo."
- Dr. Butler: "I have a few therapist friends that...I really didn't realize..."
Nelle: "Realize what?"
Dr. Butler: "You have an intimacy disorder. I thought it was just hostility but the rigidity of your body, and the tension..."
Nelle: "I do not have an intimacy disorder."
Dr. Butler: "It's okay Nelle. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
Nelle: "I'm not ashamed of-of anything."
Dr. Butler: "You shouldn't be. You're a beautiful woman."
Nelle: "I can be plenty intimate, buster."
- Kimmy: "John... My problem borders on a disorder."
John: "Have you never been with a man?"
Kimmy: "Of course not. I'm chaste."
John: "Is your acute sense of morality a convenient way of dealing with your intimacy problems?"
John: "Well, it's time to take the leap."
Kimmy: "Will you catch me?"
John: "I'll try."
- Paul: "A dance is part of the date, Richard."
Richard: "A fast dance, maybe, but..."
No-no-no. See, I paid $6, 500."
Richard: "Paul, you seem like a swell guy but I'm homophobic. I can show you a note from the doctor."
- Kimmy: "Oh, John. I didn't know."
John: "You know, chastity is a virtue I prioritize far less than honesty, Kimmy."
Kimmy: "I just needed her to be in the room. I'm sorry."
John: "It's difficult to make a relationship work under any circumstances these days, but, uh... I find it impossible to make one work under these."
Kimmy: "If I could just have one more chance."
John: "It is not about chances, Kimmy. You're not ready. You need to get some more work done be so, that's it, then?"
Kimmy: "You're just dismissing me?"
John: "Without prejudice."
Kimmy: "Come on, mommy."
- Cindy to Richard: "One date with a gay man and you're already going down under desks?"
- Kimmy: "Mr. Larry."
Larry: "Miss Kimmy. Again. Is this fate? You think maybe you and I are meant to procreate?"
Kimmy: "I am not comfortable with coarse humor."
- Ling: "Jacob, you seem intelligent. I want you to tell us what you really think of the idea of Santa Claus?"
Jacob: "It's stupid"
- John: "I I found out. I was shopping with my mother. I sat on the department store Santa. Told him all about this special steam train I wanted which was green with red stripes. Then we left the store, came to a street corner and there was Santa again, ringing a bell and he was black. I thought, "well, that's odd. Got from here to there so fast and changed color." But, I thought, he's Santa. He's magic. And then he looked at me with no recognition who said "well, little one, what would you like for Christmas?" And I knew right then this whole thing was a fraud."
Kimmy: "That's awful. I didn't find out till my freshman year in college."
Larry: "You have been really sheltered your whole life, haven't you?"
- Larry: "You protest the opening of a play in New York?"
Kimmy: "Yes I did. It was vial."
Larry: "Can you tell us the name of that play?"
Kimmy: "I will not, that word should not be used in public let alone lit up on a billboard in Times Square."
Larry: "It was called the Vagina Monologues."
- "Yours is cute, it's like a little hamster, he's cute"- Kimmy on John's twitch
- "I am here with the officers of the women of virtue bar chapter of Massachusetts of which I'm president"- Kimmy to Ally
- "I'm suing you defamation, you total bitch!"- Kimmy to Ally
- "Jonathan & I both agree that you might be the most amazing woman on earth and it would be a tragedy if one of us didn't get you"- Michael to Ally
- "What are you snide. I would expect her to go out and hire a snide lawyer that is just like her"- Kimmy to Larry on Ally
- "I've been meaning to ask you something for awhile now. Ally are you nuts?"- Larry
- Larry: "I want you to ditch the father & son act, I'll declare Nelle void, we can have dinner tonight."-
- "Ally, don't tell me the son has a twin."- Larry mocking Ally's situation
- Ally asking about her case: "Is there anything I need to know?"
Larry: "The son will probably live longer."
- Ally: "How's it going?"
Larry: "Pretty good. Still duping people, making them think I'm a therapist by putting attorney at law on my door"
- "Well if you need a sympathetic ear I can fake it"- Larry to Ally
- "The truth is hate hate disco, it makes me want to vomit"- Michael
- "Should you feel like blowing you top, blow his instead"- Shirley's advice for keeping a man
- "He said getting oral sex from me is like walking on a high wire, in either case you don't want to be looking down"- Wanda on her husband
- Mark I have a thing for beautiful, complicated women."
Cindy: What makes you think I'm complicated?"
Mark: "A hunch."
- Ally: "I thought public speaking made you nervous."
Brian: "I thought you weren't a fan of orgies."
- John: "We made love the other night and I was just, uh...You know, was it just s-e-x?"
Myra: "Uh... Yes?"
- Cindy: "I've had boyfriends before. Things have been just fine."
Richard: "They have? But how?"
Cindy: "I tell them I'm catholic."
Richard: "I'm confused...Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought..."
Cindy: "I tell them I'm against premarital sex."
Richard: "I'm still confused. What other kind of sex is there?"
Cindy: "Never mind."
- Richard: "It's difficult for me to sit back and watch him get hurt."
Cindy: "What makes you so sure he'll get hurt?"
Richard: "Oh, no, I'm sure he'll brag to his buddies "with my girlfriend, we can play jack-in-the-box."
- "Actually, I have become rather forward over the years. Men that approach me are either wolves or hockey players, I tend, well, the shy ones that I'm attracted to-- they're intimidated and, well, I never get asked out by the nice guys."- Myra
- Renee: "So, you've had affairs with three different assistants? That's a pretty high rate, don't you think?"
Myra: "Not really, considering since I was about 16 almost every man I've ever met has wanted to sleep with me."
Renee: "And you're proud of that?"
Myra: "I'm proud that I've never used it as currency, yes but when I meet a man who I want to be with I have problem asking, just like I've been asked thousands of times. And just like I've been free to say no all those times so are they."
John: "Your honor, that was an excellent response. I'd like my client to repeat it in case any of the jurors missed it."
- John: "You sensed he was male and you just decided to have sex with me? (Stuttering) him... That man... Him? Okay, let me rephrase."
Myra: "We were two consenting adults acting out a very horny moment."
- Ling: "How could you be a man? Y-you look so beautiful."
Richard: "A-and, uh, feminine."
Cindy "I've been on estrogen a long time. This is my real hair. My breasts are real, too."
Richard "They are?"
Richard: "Can I touch them? They're evidence."
I can spot a he/she a mile away. There is no way."
Cindy: "The shots and the pills have softened my voice. I don't grow facial hair. My skin is soft. I'm a woman in almost every way except the o-one that would be discovered if I had to take that physical."
Richard: Oh, so you have A... Wow. Whoa...
Cindy: Is this the sensitivity you spoke of?
Richard: "Oh, no, no. I'm sorry. It's just not every day you meet, uh, such a beautiful, uh, woman."
Ling: "Uh, with her very own Dumbstick."
Cindy "Forget it."
Richard: "No-no-no-no. C-Cindy, Cindy. No-no-no-no. You know, you've told us-- the worst part is over. You might as well let us help you."
Cindy: "Can you?"
- "This is what I get for dating someone with the emotional IQ of a teenager"- Brian on Ally
- "Ally McBeal... will you move in with me?"- Brian to Ally
- "I've resigned myself to being called fat, ugly, even lonely. I will not resign myself to being a fool."- Maureen to John on why she won’t settle
- "Oh and Nelle, don’t forget to enjoy yourself. This is nasty fun"- Hope to Nelle on leaving the firm and stealing clients
- "It wasn’t intimate"- Hope on sex with Richard
- "I love what your trying to do with your hair"- Hope insulting Ally
- "Nothing is as simple as Mr. Albert appears to be your honor"- Hope insulting Mark in court
- "You strike me as the type, when everything's right, something must be wrong"- Brian to Ally
- "Blew that one ha?"- Billy’s brain surgeon on his death
- "Rabid little bulldog"- Mindy (a client) to John after he chewed out someone on the stand
- "Run along lady. Don’t be late for fantasyland. Yeah, I know you. I can spot the dreamers too. Newsflash! Yours aren’t coming true"- Lewis (a homeless man) after being ignored by Ally
- "Can we go someplace less fish bowly"- Lewis to Ally while having drinks at the bar and being stared at by Ally’s friends
- "If your gonna get a man you’ve got to sell you ass a little. Am I right? Nothing like ripe rump cheeks to get a guy interested in your phone number. Am I right?" -Sales clerk (Vicki Lawrence) on Georgia buying tight jeans
- "Look at me, according to my notes you slept with a male model once because you were infatuated by his over sized member, you had sports sex in a carwash and you kissed a women out of what, curiosity? Is there anything that I can say to help you believe that your not vulgar?"- Dr. Shirley Flott to Ally (Betty White)
- "Ally, you’re not well. I know how you feel, but I’ve been a therapist since before you were born. So your going to have to trust me when I tell you....you won’t find happiness through love or by turning to god. It comes in a pill. There can even be joy in the taking. Mine comes in suppository form"- Dr. Shirley Flott (Betty White)
- Ally: "I know that I should feel shame or guilt but all I feel.....I just wanna drive back there and....and...and I know that I used the term makelove, but it wasn't that John; no, it was that other word"
John: "Which word"
Ally: "That vulger verb we use to describe what two poeple....that's what we were doing and that's what I want to do to him again. That vulger verb."
- Georgia: "What kind of woman has an affair the week before her wedding day?"
Richard: "As opposed to most women who wait till after."
- John: "Why are you so wet?"
Ally: "It's the new look"
(Upon returning after just having sex with a stranger in a car wash)
- Ally: Do any of you ever think that you'll find a guy who's the one... the love of your life?
Elaine: Over & Over again.
- "Ally every patient that comes into this office thinks that he or she is the biggest loser, for the first time I agree" Dr. Tracey to Ally
- "How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life," Ally. "You've always been ahead of your time," Billy
- Billy & Ally yelled "Out!" & Elanie said "Snappish in stereo."
- "Unfortunately there wasn't enough buzz on the internet about seeing her naked," The owner on why Barbara was fired
- "If you think back & replay your year & it doesn't bring out tears of joy or sadness consider it wasted," John's mother
- "Idiot!, even if you find her she might be looking for the prefect man," John's mother on finding the perfect girl
- "Don't even try to take a moment, I'm on to you." -Caroline Poop to John
- "It was so unremarkable I can barely remember it," Whipper on why she should be removed from Fish's case
- "They're not really in yet but they'll be coming back" Ally, when Helen made a snappish remark about the length of her hem. Helen asked "How do you know," and Ally replied "Because I'm wearing it."
- "These people are nuts, we go in there arguing insanity & these people are the inmates," -Eugene on Ally's firm
- Billy: Did you fiddle with my wife's waddle?
Richard: I may have grazed it.
- Poop: You can't kick out a case like that!
Judge: I can, and I just did.
- Georgia: Mrs. Poop...
Poop: I said call me Caroline, and I believe I asked quite nicely
- Ever since childhood I collected Barbie Dolls, & I just never saw one in person, working alongside skipper & all, I was just blown away" -Caroline Poop